Sex Scandal

Regarding the late governor of New York, why is it legal for two consenting adults to climb into a ring and attempt to batter each other into permanent brain damage for money, but illegal for two consenting adults to climb into a bed and have sex for money? What if I just have a naked cage match with a hooker, and when she dives onto me from the turnbuckle to power-drive my skull into the canvas (her signature move) my penis happens to enter her? Godless immorality or daring display of athletic prowess?

His client evaluation said that he was very polite and tipped well – am I the only person who thinks that makes it all OK? I have more respect for a good tipper who uses a hooker than for a shitty tipper who doesn’t. I don’t care if a governor likes to dry-hump cheerleaders while sitting on top of the lottery machine and letting numbered ping-pong balls shoot in his ass, as long as he rounds up on his bill and isn’t rude to the maid.

Beyond the particulars of this case (he did break the law, a law he was over-enthusiastic in enforcing on others) I think the larger problem is the fact that this fake-Puritanical culture is still so damn hung up over the issue of sex.

Sex is the one area of our lives where we get to have free reign – food makes us fat, alcohol makes us annoying, marijuana makes us boring, and love makes us needy. Only sex, with minor precautions, allows as to explore as deeply as we please, and to only scratch its surface is to nibble at a buffet. He cheated on his wife, but that’s a matter between them – the act itself is neither corrupting nor corrupt.
If I ever become famous and they uncover my private sex life, I HOPE it’s scandalous. I hope it’s twisted and shocking and depraved enough to make R. Kelly blush (shut up! Black people blush, it’s just harder to tell)
Last thing I want is some woman on the stand:
“Can you describe sex with Mark.”
“Oh…well…um…he was very polite…tidy…certainly didn’t take up much of my time…”
NO! I want her trembling with after-shocks, chain-smoking cigarettes, still not able to form sentences or hold a pencil. I want her knees shaking, her voice quivering, and her
innocence shattered. I want tales of high priced hookers, barnyard animals, and 220 volt sex toys.

If anyone ever describes sex with me as moral or respectable I will exile myself to a glory hole in a Filipino bar until the last scraps of my decency lie writhing on the indescribably repulsive floor.

Be proud of your sexual peculiarities – it’s you at your most essential, the ultimate manifestation of your most basic psychological needs. Twisted tales of sexual debauchery should not be hidden in the closest as a scandal; they should be listed on your resume as a reference.