Your Flip Flops Make Baby Jesus Cry

Among males, flip flops should be the purview exclusively of Young Gay Men.

First, the term ‘flip flop’ is faggotty. Straight men don’t wear intransitive verbs. Sure, there are ‘hiking boots’, ‘running shoes’, ‘welding masks’, but those are all actions we do to shit, not things they do on their own. Flip flops tend to both flip and flop of their own volition, heedless of our desires. Straight men, tending to be insecure, are not comfortable with autonomous footwear. Sadly, many straight men are still adjusting to the concept of women being able to vote and drive trucks, much less sandals whack-smacking their soles. (on a sidenote, “faggotty” is not a homophobic word – it refers exclusively to those things that even a man dressed as a pink Care bear on a Pride Parade float would find to be a little over the top.)

Second, the pedicure – or lack thereof. I know metro men get pedicures, but we’re not talking about those line-blurrers here, we’re talking about traditional Budlovers who rank pedicures somewhere on the gay scale between melon ballers and karaoke-ing Stevie Nicks songs. Thus their toes look like they’ve been busy rebuilding engines or wrestling small, hairy dogs. Those are not display toes.

Third, straight men wear flip flops because they’re quick and easy to put on. Young Gay Men wear flip flops because they’re quick and easy to take off-- and they have a much better chance of needing to get undressed in a hurry. Always have their eyes on the goal posts, these boys.

Accept it, my fellow breeders – gay men can pull off casual much better than we can. Tank tops, flip flops, half-shirts, sleeveless shirts, no shirt… the reason they can make it work is because we all know that if they want to (and are willing to ignore any standards) they’re going to get laid tonight, and you can’t argue with success.